The Art of Fighting?
I imagine you can relate to that feeling—the pit in your stomach, sweaty palms, racing mind that can come when someone we care about wants to have “a talk.” Maybe it arrives by email or text, in a passing comment, or as an ominous calendar invitation. However it comes, I think many of us dread these conversations and would prefer to avoid them altogether.
Other times, a request for conversation never comes. A friend stops calling. A parishioner no longer attends worship. A colleague pulls away. A sibling gives us the silent treatment at a family gathering. In whatever form it takes, the sense that something isn’t right in a relationship can be deeply unsettling. We may feel hurt, confused, or angry and find ourselves ruminating on questions like, “Uh oh. How did I mess up this time?”
In her new book, The Art of Fighting, conflict resolution facilitator Priya Parker (also the author of The Art of Gathering) seeks to normalize conflict as an essential part of human relationships and to help us shift our often uncomfortable relationship with conflict. Many of us at LeaderWise have found her book helpful and thought-provoking in our work, and we look forward to sharing some of the nuggets of wisdom we’ve gained from it in the coming weeks.
Unhealthy Peace and Unhealthy Conflict
One of the ideas Parker introduces as she explores many Americans’ discomfort with conflict is the notion that we have often been conditioned to equate a lack of conflict with peace. In other words, if there isn’t a conflict happening, things must be okay.
Parker challenges that assumption. As she puts it, “Unhealthy peace is the idea that if we just pretend that the conflict is not there, if we just shove it under the rug, everything will be fine.” In the absence of meaningful conversation, however, relationships can suffer—and sometimes ultimately end.
On the other end of the continuum lies unhealthy conflict. Most of us can probably recall conflicts handled poorly: conversations characterized by blame, defensiveness, contempt, or a need to win. These, too, can fracture relationships and cause deep hurt.
But between unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict is another possibility: the kind of honest, productive conflict that can foster greater connection and understanding and strengthen our capacity to stay in relationship with one another even when we disagree.
The Role of Compromise
Another of Parker’s reflections that I’ve found helpful is that embracing healthy conflict does not mean we need to engage every disagreement. There is still a place for compromise—and for intentionally deciding that some differences do not need to be resolved.
As many of us anticipate the upcoming midterm elections, politics is top of mind. In an interview with The New York Times, Parker describes her relationship with her father, someone with whom she disagrees politically, and their intentional decision to avoid certain topics when they are together. The interviewer asks how this squares with Parker’s argument about the necessity and importance of conflict.
Parker responds, “Any meaningful relationship over time has difference in it, and part of the ability to have compromise is to say, ‘I’m not going to win every battle and I can live with this.’”
That distinction strikes me as important. Healthy conflict isn’t about confronting every disagreement or saying everything that could be said. Nor is choosing not to engage necessarily the same thing as conflict avoidance. The question may be whether we are staying silent because we are afraid of the discomfort—or because we have thoughtfully decided that this particular difference does not need to be resolved in order for the relationship to remain whole.
Perhaps, then, the invitation is not simply to become more comfortable with conflict. It is to become more discerning about conflict. What differences need to be named? Which conversations might lead to greater understanding, even if they do not lead to agreement? What are we willing to live with for the sake of relationship? And when does our desire to “keep the peace” actually prevent the honest conversation that a relationship, congregation, or organization needs?
For those of us in leadership, these questions feel especially important. Leaders are often rewarded for keeping things calm, maintaining harmony, and making problems go away. But calm and health are not always the same thing. Sometimes faithful leadership means resisting the temptation to smooth things over and instead helping people remain present to one another long enough to have the conversation that matters.
Maybe the goal, then, is neither a life without conflict nor a willingness to fight every battle. Maybe it is learning to recognize the difference between a peace worth protecting and a peace that is costing us something—and developing the courage, wisdom, and skill to know when it is time to have “a talk.”
