Starting from Scratch
As I said good-bye to 18 years of relationships as a parish minister, my social life underwent a major transition. After a year of experimentation, I learned a few rules of the road for “starting from scratch” to make new connections.
Rule 1: Seek out fellow transitioners. My first connections were with other adults who were finding themselves starting a community from scratch. Whatever the cause—life changes in major relationships, identities, abilities, jobs, and moves—we discovered in our conversations that the ways to meet new people have changed since we were last at it (Is there an app for that?), that we’re out of practice growing friendships (Does it have to feel so vulnerable?), that everyone seems a little anxious (Will they get mad if I say the wrong thing?), and that “community” often does not feel accessible to us (How do you even find out about what’s out there?). These fellow transitioners helped me feel like I wasn’t alone. We buoyed one another!
Rule 2: Learn your neighbors’ names. I used to be a “Hello Neighbor,” meaning I only waved at my neighbors. My first step was learning their names. It meant that I had to ADMIT that I didn’t know their names. (Guess what, they didn’t know mine.) I created a crayon map of our street with every house and wrote their names down next to each house. Next, I put myself out there. Literally. At the end of every day working from my home office (when the dog walkers are out), I get outside and walk around the block. I wave and greet my neighbors by name. Contrary to my fears, they didn’t think that was weird. In fact, they were delighted to be seen. (Maybe they were lonely too?) This led to small conversations and little connections. Then, I noticed a sale as I was buying chrysanthemum plants and, on a whim, bought one for each neighbor with a note of appreciation. As Christmas approached, I learned that my next door neighbor’s father had died. I decided to attend the visitation and offered a ride to our mutual neighbor. Would she like to get a drink together afterward? Yes, she said, AND could she invite her neighbor on the other side? Suddenly, it was a small party. A name is such a simple thing. But, as the evening ended, I saw the door of friendship opening as I listened to the laughter of neighbors (Nancy, Savvas, Suzanne, Dave, Jean and me) seated around the table at our local pub.
Rule 3: Invite people to join you. When I was a pastor, going for a run alone was a gift. However, I noticed about halfway through this year that my desire to put on my sneakers was fading. I wondered what was wrong with me. I realized that I didn’t need more alone time and that I could invite people to join me. After all, when I was a solitary runner, I noticed the running groups at races cheering one another. Looking at social media running groups didn’t lead to much success. For a brief second, I considered running after other fellow solitary runners on my regular route but quickly (and thankfully!) realized the boundary that might cross. Instead, the connection happened by paying attention. If I heard someone mention running in the course of our conversation, I got curious: “Tell me more.” Then, if it seemed like a door was opening, I invited them to join me for a run. I was astounded! They were grateful to be invited. (Maybe they were lonely too?) With this small success, I wondered what other things that I loved doing I could invite people to join me in.
Starting from scratch can be overwhelming. Nevertheless, I want you to know that you are not alone. We live in a world where people are starting over every day. I wonder…
Who, like you, is waiting to be seen? What’s their name? What invitation might you make?
May you know in your bones that you are worth knowing. May you have the courage to put yourself out there. And may you have the good sense not to run after people on their solitary run.
Journalist Derek Thompson recently named this the Anti-Social Century. Americans are spending more and more time alone. Our “aloneness” is reshaping our realities. It is certainly changing our ministry contexts. Throughout this year, LeaderWise writers will share their outlooks on our Anti-Social Century and what we can do to build a culture of connection.
Interested in other articles on the Culture of Connection?
2025 Resolution Against Loneliness by Mary Kay DuChene
Ingredients for Connection: Solitude & Connectedness by Becca Fletcher
Creating Time for Connection by Cindy Halvorson
Am I Safe Here? From LeaderWise’s Leadership Team
It’s Not Easy Being New by emilie boggis
The Best Scones You Ever Tasted by Stephanie Hoover
Who Do You Know? by Laura Beth Buchleiter
