Embracing Necessary Conflict with Spiritual Presence
By Kathleen Talvacchia and emilie boggis
When I (Kathleen) was a young professor (some 30 years ago!), I was teaching a class during which two students, an African American man and a Euromerican woman, got into a heated conflict during a class discussion. The content of the argument centered squarely on racial, gender, and cultural language and interpretation disagreements. It was the type of conflict that could either completely derail the class or provide genuine cross-cultural learning for the students in conflict and the entire class. I remember that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as this conflict was escalating and threatening to get beyond the point of resolution or even a truce. I wanted to be anywhere but in that class. I wanted to disconnect and hope that it would “go away” and resolve itself. I did not want to face it.
Maybe you have had such a moment at church meeting, in a classroom, or in a community conversation. It is understandable that in the middle of these types of conflicts—a conflict rooted in social differences in which the adversaries feel disrespected, misrepresented, misunderstood, or a profound sense of threat—that we might flinch, get defensive, or feel emotionally paralyzed. If we do, though, we miss an important reality of any ministry that has justice-making at its heart. Any necessary conflict based in a social difference that a person experiences as marginalization, exclusion, or as threat must be resolved through the ability to engage the conflict constructively. It is through the ability to stand firm and embrace the conflict, helping to manage it positively and productively, that we can find a path toward some sense of a just and fair resolution. It takes courage, though, to stand firm in the midst of conflict and work for a just resolution. It takes courage that is grounded in a deep sense of spiritual centeredness. Because constructive conflict is necessary in order to activate the work of justice, we as faith leaders must create spiritual disciplines that will give us the courage to face the conflict that must be faced.
In what ways can spiritual centeredness help us to find the courage to embrace the conflict that is necessary and must be engaged for the work of justice? It can help us to find a sense of conviction and commitment that is grounded in a deep sense of being called by the Divine to take leadership in the midst of a conflictual situation. When we embrace and lead from spiritual centeredness, we are able to embody a presence that is open and not defensive; calm and focused; grounded in the ability to move with agility toward promoting reconciliation and peace.
That is, in fact, what I was able to do in the midst of the college classroom conflict. Two things were clear to me: (1) I did not know how to handle the situation, and (2) I needed to live with my discomfort in order to lead with a calm and focused presence. I needed head and heart working together to help bring some sense of temporary resolution. In the moment, I both asked the two students to speak with me at the break, which calmed things down. Then I engaged the class in a conversation about what it means to teach in the midst of diverse experiences and perspectives—which was the topic of the course!
What do you experience in your body when conflict arises in your world? Is it a “terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach” or “a swarm of bees in your chest” or “tingling in your fingertips?” For me (emilie), I have observed that I will unconsciously hold my breath. Maybe you don’t know the answer. Perhaps you haven’t paid much attention to your body.
What is your body preparing you to do? To run away? To silence the voices? To grow bigger and shout louder? To make yourself invisible? To comfort or appease the source of the conflict? This is important wisdom. It is understandable that in the middle of conflicts—especially conflicts rooted in social differences in which the adversaries feel disrespected, misrepresented, or misunderstood—that we might flinch, get defensive, or feel emotionally paralyzed. In these cases, we often fail the communities we serve by either vacating our power entirely (because we don’t know what to do) or asserting our power over others (in order to control the situation). When we pay attention to our bodies' automatic responses to perceived threats, we make an important shift away from reacting unconsciously. Our awareness equips us to respond with our presence. As Laura Beth Buchleither and Sarah Lammert shared with us in last week’s newsletter article on Trauma-Informed Ministry: Presence matters more than performance.
There’s another important factor at play. In the face of a VUCA world (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous), our collective anxiety causes us to react from two well-worn paths: isolation (flight) or battle (fight). As spiritual directors, we accompany leaders who come hungry for a third path to deal with conflict. They hear a call to a vocation that has justice-making and reconciliation at its heart. Many of the conflicts we face are necessary conflicts, meaning that they are based on the social differences that our people have experienced, such as marginalization, exclusion, or existential threats. We can’t ignore the conflicts that they cause. Justice-making calls on us as leaders to engage the conflict constructively. As the late Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh taught from his own experience of conflict, peace begins with us. Inside us. Between us. Solving the conflict that’s making news headlines begins by staying present and engaged in the conflicts that show up in our families, with our neighbors, on our staff teams, and in our classrooms and congregations. By growing our ability to stay present, to stand firm, and to embrace conflict, we can find a path toward some sense of a just and fair resolution.
How do you practice presence in the face of necessary conflict?
Leading in times of conflict takes courage that is often found in a deep sense of spiritual centeredness. Spiritual centeredness can help us find a sense of conviction and commitment grounded in a deep sense of being called by the Divine Presence to take leadership in the demanding work of dialogue and understanding. In spiritual direction, we invite God’s presence to dwell within us, in the face of conflict. In one visualization practice, we invite the leader to return to a moment of conflict that they have experienced. To imagine time slowing down for a moment in the heat of the conflict so that they can focus on their breath ~ “Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.” ~ and then, visualize tapping into the source of presence within them. We encourage them to imagine that presence rippling out from within as they create a brave space to engage with scared, angry, and hurt human beings who want to be seen and valued.
The work of spiritual centering, can create access to the possibility of coming to understand the grace of the conflict. We do not need to run or hide. We do not need to fight it. There is grace here inside the conflict. As the directees experience this moment, we wonder together: How can we remain open to the presence of grace as we engage this conflict? This is the third path, a faithful path, allowing both leader(s) and communities to work through conflict in a constructive way.
Spiritual disciplines like this one help us prepare for the moments when we are called to engage conflict. We offer a few that have been a source of courage for us and the leaders we accompany:
breathing meditations like these from Thích Nhất Hạnh: "Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment.”
somatic practices that allow us to reconnect with our body wisdom.
praying with a verse of sacred scripture, which gives us greater confidence that the Holy is with us in times of struggle.
meditation—even for a few minutes a day—gets us into the practice of paying attention to our breath (are you breathing), disrupting negative self-talk, and creating calm.
prioritizing getting away—immersion in nature can help us gain perspective in the midst of conflict.
While both of us know from hard-won experience this third faithful path is not easy, we also know you are not alone. As Julian of Norwich some 700 years ago told the spiritual seekers from her window in the midst of plague and pandemic: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. This is the path of presence.
