Embodied Loneliness—Loneliness Hurts
This article was previously published in February 2021.
“I feel it in my stomach. It hurts—like a physical pain.” Matthew, who is middle-aged and lives alone, described the acute pain of loneliness. Over recent years, I’ve taken to asking my therapy clients where in their bodies they experience their emotions. At first, I was a bit skeptical. Although I believe we are embodied creatures and that emotions affect us physically—especially feelings related to stress, such as anxiety and fear, with a pounding heart in the moment and heart disease across time—would people be able to pinpoint the subtler effects of less edge-of-the-seat emotions? The answer has been a resounding yes. One woman tells me that her grief resides in her throat; another woman connects her worry with tension in her neck and head; a man describes his anger and frustration at work with gripping tightness in his chest. The same appears true for positive emotions. Perhaps you, too, have felt a lightness in your step as the ice melts and the sun breaks through on a spring day. Or a deep peace throughout your body—even down to your soul—on a long summer evening.
In the wake of COVID-19, as well as the current experience of political polarization, economic uncertainty, and global unrest, LeaderWise therapists and consultants have heard many people describe isolation and loneliness in a new way, as it’s now suffused with worry, powerlessness, and alienation. Although people had been lonely before, the current circumstances can amplify our experience of it. It goes deep to our core, and it feels like something taking root in our being, both physical and profound.
The science of loneliness backs up our embodied experience of it. Almost 20 years ago, researchers created a mock video game in which participants thought they were playing two other people in passing a ball back and forth—and then they were unexpectedly excluded. Their real-time brain scans showed that the emotions accompanying this act of social exclusion lit up the same circuits as physical pain.[1] Another study found a similar result of emotional pain being experienced as physical pain in the brain when researchers flashed recently jilted lovers pictures of their ex.[2] On a happier note, a third group of researchers found that acetaminophen, or Tylenol, actually took the edge off emotional pain for participants who had recently suffered a broken heart.[3] Recently, using meta-analysis (a statistical procedure that analyzes the results of several previous studies), researchers have called into question whether emotional and physical pain are the same. In fact, the pain of social rejection was found to be far more complex, involving more aspects of the brain, as it consistently pulled in circuitry related to relationships and memory, too.[4] You still feel loneliness as pain—but perhaps in a more profound way than a stubbed toe.
The long-term physical toll of loneliness is real, too. We now have decades worth of data that show lonely people are at greater risk of premature death—on average, about a 26% increase.[5] Although we often associate the harmful effects of loneliness with older adults, recent research has found the most significant bump in death statistics to be with middle-aged adults. There is a much stronger connection between loneliness and mortality for those in their middle years than for any other age group.[6] Before death, too, loneliness takes its largest toll on middle-aged adults—again more than any other age group—in contributing to day-to-day health problems, both physical and emotional. One hypothesis is that middle-aged people—and younger—may experience the health effects of loneliness more acutely than older adults because it’s less expected. Many of us, rightly or wrongly, picture older people as lonely, sitting by themselves—isolated—on evenings or weekends. If we’re younger, though, we might assume we should have a more active social life. Consequently, we feel more alone and lonely when friends or family don’t call, which further fuels emotional pain and physical consequences, ultimately contributing to premature death.
In a letter to The Lancet, a leading medical journal, John and Stephanie Cacioppo, renowned researchers on loneliness, made a poignant plea to medical professionals to learn to recognize and take loneliness seriously.[7] They noted that 1 in 3 of us feel lonely at this very moment—and almost 10% of us are at serious risk for experiencing loneliness’s lasting consequences. Their call was to take loneliness seriously as a public health threat—to no longer trivialize or stigmatize it. Loneliness can take a significant health toll and even be deadly. Yes, the pain you feel with loneliness is real.
The Cacioppos further noted that loneliness is highly treatable. Research has demonstrated several effective treatments, with counseling being foremost among them. Just as you would pay attention to a persistent pain in a part of your body and seek medical assistance, why wouldn’t you do so with the pervasive pain of loneliness? There is no need to suffer alone. You can start feeling better soon, even today, by reaching out for help. In the age of telehealth, help—by reaching out to a counselor—is truly only a phone call (or a mouse click) away.
In the book A Path to Belonging by LeaderWise’s Mary Kay DuChene and Mark Sundby, you can find additional tools and remedies for the path toward a healthy sense of contentment and belonging.
If you decide to purchase the book from the link above, LeaderWise will earn a nominal affiliate fee. Proceeds will support LeaderWise programs and mission.
Footnotes
[1] Eisenberger, N., et al. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science.
[2] Kross, E. et al. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS.
[3] DeWall, N., et al. (2010). Acetaminophen reduces social pain: behavioral and neural evidence. Psychological Science.
[4] Cacioppo, S., et al. (2013). A quantitative meta-analysis of functional imaging studies of social rejection. Scientific Reports.
[5] Holt-Lunstadt, J., et al. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science.
[6] Holt-Lunstadt, J., et al. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science.
[7] Cacioppo, J., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. Lancet.
