Wisdom from Mister Rogers: Talking to Children about Violence in the Public Square

By Sarah Parker, MDiv, MA, LMFT.

On June 7, 1968, two months after the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr and two days after Robert Kennedy was assassinated, Fred Rogers (better known to most of us as Mister Rogers) produced a half-hour prime time PBS special for adults. The country was consumed with the devastating news, and people were glued to their televisions. Fred addressed the concerns, fears, and feelings of young children, speaking directly to the adults in their lives. In that special, he said the following: 

I have been terribly concerned about the graphic display of violence which the mass media has been showing recently. . .There is just so much that a very young child can take without it being overwhelming to them. . .The best thing in the world is for your children to be included in your family’s ways of coping with the problems that present themselves anytime, but particularly now, in this very difficult time in our nation. [1]

One of the hats I wear is as the director of Children’s and Family ministries in a local church context. My context is in a suburban community in the Twin Cities, less than 15 miles from the locations where both Renee Good and Alex Pretti were shot. The children and families that I serve attend schools where classmates (and their families) are at risk, and some have gone into hiding. Some families have seen ICE agents at their schools, been involved in peaceful protests, and reached out to neighbors to provide food or other supplies. Our kids have seen and heard a lot of really terrible, scary, and heartbreaking things. One of the things I have heard from their parents is that they are struggling with knowing how to talk to their children about what is going on in our community—what to say and how to say it.

I am reminded of Mister Rogers and his timeless words of wisdom. Though the events of 1968 predate me, I can vividly remember the events of September 11, 2001. And I remember Mister Rogers’ wisdom at that time: “When children bring up something frightening, it’s helpful right away to ask them what they know about it… What children probably need to hear most from us adults is that they can talk with us about anything, and that we will do all we can to keep them safe in any scary time.”

During times of tragedy and difficult circumstances, we may think, or even hope, that children are blissfully unaware of what is happening. However, children are more aware than we know and are especially sensitive to the moods and conversations of adults around them.

Here are some suggestions for how to talk to children during this (or any other) difficult time from the Fred Rogers Institute:

• Proactively talk with children about major events you expect they will hear about in school, see online, or overhear in adult conversations. Given how quickly news is shared in our social media–driven world, you may not be the first person to let your young person know about major news. Even still, you can share what you believe is important (and age appropriate [2]) for the child to know and help them see that the difficult news is not something they have to know or wonder about alone.

• Do your best to limit a child’s exposure to upsetting images and commentary intended for adults. It may not be possible to stop a child from hearing or seeing things that are not appropriate for them to witness. This reality makes it even more important for adults to talk directly with children about the feelings and thoughts they might have about what they see and hear.

• Let children know you are always open to their questions. Before you answer a question, it can help to ask the child, “What do you think?” or “What have you heard?” Sometimes, children may understand more than we realize, may have heard incorrect information, or may even have a much simpler question than we assume. If you know more about what the child is wondering, it can help you give a simple and honest answer.

• It’s okay if you don’t know an answer to the child’s question. You can let them know, “I wonder about that, too,” and that you will share as you learn more. It can help to ask the child more about what they are feeling. Simply listening to the child’s feelings (whether they are worried, angry, sad, or anything) can help them feel safe.

Difficult news can take a toll on all of us—it can heighten our anxiety, trigger fear and grief, or even bring up past trauma. When our sense of safety is shaken, it’s natural for stress to increase, for sleep to be disturbed, and for emotions to feel overwhelming.  To care for the children in our lives, it is important for us to take care of ourselves as well. 

A few ideas for this include: setting boundaries for yourself on your own news intake; taking moments to rest or experience joy; maintaining regular sleep, meals, and daily routines when possible; and asking for help when you need it—find a therapist or a support network for yourself.[3] 

LeaderWise is here for you. . . whether you are a parent trying to calm the fears, a pastor trying to find the words, or a person navigating your feelings. You are not alone!

[1] https://www.fredrogersinstitute.org/resources/talking-to-children-about-difficult-things-in-the-news

[2] https://www.facebook.com/PodcastEarly/posts/talking-to-your-kids-about-ice-a-guide-for-parentseven-if-your-family-is-not-dir/861906266599330/

[3] https://namimn.org/self-care-and-mindfulness-during-times-of-fear-and-uncertainty-in-minnesota/