Why Conversations Go Wrong

When Culture and Context Collide with Psychological Safety

By Cindy Halvorson, MDiv, DMin.

A few weeks ago, I was engaged in a conversation with an octogenarian who was telling me about her family. At one point she shared some details about one of her family members and then said, “I don’t know. It’s just weird.” I gave a “hmmm,” and she continued talking about something else. As I think back on this exchange, I wonder if she was possibly trying to understand her relative but her own culture and context were so different, she was at a loss to understand the situation. She labeled it “weird” and moved on.

Culture and context greatly impact our understanding of our world, our interactions with others, and the meaning we add to events and happenings within our lives. Culture and context are everywhere, and for many of us, they remain undetected. We are seldom aware of our own cultural norms and only slightly more aware of our context (maybe). By default, we operate according to our own culture and context, thinking we know the appropriate way to be or to interact. It rarely crosses our minds that another person, family, work place, faith community, geographical region, or heritage might do something in a completely different way. When we encounter the difference, we evaluate others’ expressions of doing and being by our own norms, and we might find it easiest to simply label it as “weird” and move on.

Often when culture is mentioned, our thoughts move to ethnicity and race; and while they are most certainly significant aspects of culture, culture is profoundly more than ethnicity and race. For the purposes of this article, please allow me to very briefly define both culture and context: Culture is a way of thinking and behaving that is woven throughout interpersonal relations. Context is the set of circumstances or facts that surround an event or situation. When my granddaughter was rather young, she would say, “In our family we … (insert whatever thought or behavior might be helpful in the moment).” She was already observing and participating in her family culture. And what about charitable organizations or places of employment? How many times have new volunteers or employees heard the words, “That’s not how we do it.”? The culture and context of these groups are being revealed. 

Whenever we encounter some thing, someone, or some place as new or unfamiliar, it is likely we might experience some stress or anxiety wondering whether we will do “it” right, if we will be accepted, and whether we can belong. As humans we all have a need for safety and security. We understand the need for physical safety; yet, this need extends to psychological safety as well. For us to bring our full selves to any endeavor or relationship, we need to experience a sense of being “accepted enough,” which is known as psychological safety. Experiencing psychological safety allows us to voice our deep joys and concerns, to take risks and adventures, and even admit our mistakes. In other words, psychological safety allows us to embrace and share our humanness.

There are times, however, when (intentionally or not) we do not extend psychological safety to others because they do not fit within our culture and context. We see differences, and because we think our way is “appropriate,” “more right,” or “the way it should be done,” we pass a quiet (or not so quiet) judgment that limits psychological safety.

Parker Palmer, in his book A Hidden Wholeness, writes, “the soul is … shy.” I have found this to be true. If my soul sniffs out judgment or disapproval or a sense that it will not be welcomed, it goes into hiding. The soul hides for the sake of its own safety; it will only come out of hiding when it senses it is accepted and will be safe.

Many of us want to offer psychological safety to others. Many of us want to honor other cultures and contexts. However, all the various nuances of our own culture and context, the other person’s culture and context, plus the deep human need for psychological safety can create a challenging mix. We can quickly feel overwhelmed at the thought of “doing it right.”

If I could, I would give you several suggestions for you to take with you on this ongoing journey of honoring culture and context while providing some sense of psychological safety. However, I recognize my own limitations in designing the perfect plan. Instead, I will simply offer this advice:

• Treat all persons with kindness and respect.

• Recognize that your “way” is not the only way or the right way.

• Keep a beginner’s mindset about the intersectionality of culture, context, and psychological safety.

  • Stay curious

  • Increase your knowledge

  • Learn from your mistakes

  • Offer grace to yourself and others

Maybe, just maybe, by living this way, we can change our world. 

May all our wonderings and wanderings lead us home.

Resource Alert: If you’d like to hear from an expert, we recommend listening to the Hidden Brain’s episode with Deborah Tannen of the same name as this article: Why Conversations Go Wrong.