From Loneliness to Mattering in Ministry

By Mark Sundby, MDiv, PhD, LP.

Henri Nouwen, the beloved priest and spiritual director who helped form several generations of American clergy, wrote poignantly about his sense of alienation in his native Netherlands. His family had gathered to celebrate his father’s 83rd birthday, and, at his father’s request, they congregated at the village church to partake in the eucharist. As Nouwen officiated, he had the unsettling feeling that he was among the few of the twenty family members present who took it seriously. As soon as the sacrament was complete, the conversation quickly turned to the icy roads and the commute home. Nouwen later reflected in The Road to Daybreak, “My words were heard, but not received.” He added that he felt like “a stranger” in his family and home country, as the church and he, as a priest, were no longer viewed as relevant.

In Clergy Loneliness: A Path to Belonging, Mary Kay DuChene, a LeaderWise colleague, and I documented that the rate of loneliness among clergy was as high as the national average, but clergy were distinct from the rest of the population in how they experienced loneliness. Specifically, clergy felt different from others, like people didn’t understand them or value the same things they did. This contributed to a profound sense of isolation. Similar to Nouwen, they often feel like  “a stranger” in their communities, and, at times, even in their churches. While they might care passionately about a tenet or practice of their faith, many in their congregations fail to see the big deal. For instance, I know one pastor who drew significant heat for vetoing the playing of Leonard Cohen’s "Hallelujah” during a Sunday worship service, despite the pastor’s view that it was not a sacred song and was inappropriate for the day's theme. Several leaders of the congregation felt the pastor was “just too uptight.” The pastor felt discounted and misunderstood.

When enough of these instances occur in ministry, there is a cumulative effect. We can begin to feel like our work, our calling, or we ourselves don’t matter to others. In fact, research has unpacked the psychological concept of “mattering” at work and discovered that it comprises two facets: “feeling valued” and “adding value.” Put another way, do we feel like we matter to other people, that they would miss us if we were gone? And do we feel like our efforts add value to the congregations and communities we serve? One line of research has found that a lack of mattering, in either or both of these dimensions, is a major driver of loneliness at work. Because ministry is a calling, the lines between work and personal life often blur, and clergy can feel the sting of loneliness due to a perceived lack of mattering especially acutely, to the point that it pervades both work and life.

At a recent denominational gathering of clergy, over 90% scored in the “significant” range for loneliness relative to the national average, and we explored ways to foster “mattering” in ourselves and others as an antidote. Beginning with ourselves, we reframed our experiences to remind ourselves that we are more than our role, and find our worth in relationships and activities outside our work setting. Yet ministry is deep in our bones for many of us. If our congregations fail to understand or appreciate our unique role, who can? Colleagues.

Zach Mercurio, in The Power of Mattering, argues that we can intentionally create a workplace culture of mattering by reaching out to colleagues to let them know that they and their efforts matter. He cites several studies showing that we consistently underestimate the impact of a brief text message or phone call from us on another person, especially when it’s unexpected. Such communications can be transformative for the other person. They feel noticed—that they matter.

Mercurio offers a straightforward formula to foster a culture of mattering in the workplace, which he refers to by the acronym, NAN (Notice, Affirm, Need):

Notice: “I see you.”

Notice is the practice of being intentional in noticing the efforts of others. We can train ourselves to give active, specific attention to what our colleagues do. This effort works best when our outreach is regular and ongoing.

Example: A neighboring pastor, noticing that a colleague has had back‑to‑back funerals, sends a simple note: “I see how much loss you’ve carried with your people this month. How is your heart?”

Affirm: “You have unique value.”

Affirm is the practice of showing colleagues how their unique qualities, efforts, and contributions make a difference. It is more than appreciation (“Thanks for what you do”) or generic recognition; it is specific and connects the person’s gifts to their impact. You cite specific evidence of how their efforts matter. A simple approach is to use the Situation/Behavior/Impact (SBI) method. 

Example: “In our lectionary group this week (situation), when you talked about sitting quietly with that grieving family (behavior), it reminded me how your non‑anxious presence helps all of us remember that ministry is more than fixing things (impact).” 

Need: “We depend on you.”

Need is the practice of demonstrating that a colleague is relied on and that their presence and contribution are indispensable. It communicates that their contribution is unique and important, and that if they were absent, then something would be lost. 

Example: A pastor reaches out to a colleague about an upcoming clergy gathering: “We’re asking you to lead the liturgy of lament because your way of holding grief has shaped all of us.”

Few people can understand the highs and lows of ministry, but we as colleagues do. With intentional effort, we can make a real difference by noticing, affirming, and communicating the unique needs that our colleagues meet. In our denominations and among our colleagues, we can create a culture of mattering to help reduce loneliness and support one another in ministry going forward.