When You Are Expected to Comply
Lessons in Being a Self
By Cindy Halvorson, MDiv, DMin.
Years ago when I was much younger, my group of friends and I read and discussed a book on the topic of being a “self.” The author discussed the importance of an individual having their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and then being responsible for them. This concept was new to all of us. We had been taught to be compliant. We were accustomed to agreeing to things we didn’t want to agree to, shifting our thinking to match the thoughts of respected people, and blaming others for our negative feelings and martyr-like behaviors. The concepts in the book were life-changing. After a few months of reading, discussing, and trying to integrate the concepts of being a “self,” one young woman from our group was selected for jury duty. She told us about her experience.
The jurors spent two days listening to the arguments made by the attorneys before deliberating in order to reach a verdict. Once the jurors were behind closed doors for deliberation, it didn’t take long for a few voices to state what they thought should be the verdict. The whole group agreed – except her. She had reservations; and because she had been practicing being a “self,” she took a deep breath and quietly said she wasn’t completely convinced. The room went silent and everyone turned to stare at her. Some tried to persuade her to see the situation their way. She felt her heart race and her face grow hot, but she remained unconvinced. She calmly stood her ground for several uncomfortable minutes. Then it happened. Another person joined her and said they, too, were not positive with the group’s verdict. Within minutes two others voiced their lack of certainty on what the verdict should be. The group of jurors started their deliberation again, but this time, there were more questions and there was more space for real discussion.
I don’t remember how the deliberation ended. Did they arrive at the same verdict or a different one? I don’t know. What I remember is that my friend acted as a “self,” and her doing so gave others the courage to use their voice as well.
We were young then, and the concepts we had studied were formative. At that point in my life, I thought that once I had the skill to be a “self,” I would always live as a “self.” I was wrong! Being a “self” and having my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors plus being fully responsible for them is a life-long endeavor. During the years of practice, I have learned the signs that appear in my body and my emotions when I am not acting as a “self.” I now know how to regain my “self.” I have learned to hold onto my “self” more consistently. There has been growth – for which I am grateful – and there will always be room for more.
Through the ages, leaders have needed to lead from the place of having their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and being responsible for them – the place of being a “self” – even when it’s challenging to do so – maybe especially when it is challenging to do so.
At the time our friend group read the book, I had never heard the term “self-differentiation.” Yet, as I look back, I realize the concepts of that book were connected to the concepts of self-differentiation. Dear leader, with the difficult tone of our current society, being self-differentiated can be challenging – yet, our world desperately needs self-differentiated leaders, leaders who will be fully themselves while staying connected and caring for others.
Join me for the Self-Differentiated Series this summer (3-part workshop from 1-3pm Central time on June 23, July 7, July 21). Let’s support each other and continue growing in our leadership.
