Fighting Fair: Learning to Understand Our Differences

By Sarah Parker, MDiv, MAMFT, LMFT.

During the month of October, LeaderWise invites you to join us in thinking about something most of us prefer to avoid: CONFLICT! In her book The Art of Fighting, conflict resolution facilitator Priya Parker invites us to rethink our relationship with conflict. Rather than viewing disagreement as something to avoid or something that signals a relationship is in trouble, we can begin to see conflict as a natural and potentially meaningful part of being in relationship with one another. How we approach conflict matters—not only for resolving the issue at hand, but also for what we learn about ourselves and the people we love.

This is especially true for couples. Every couple disagrees. Whether it’s about household responsibilities, money, parenting, schedules, or feeling misunderstood, conflict is a natural part of sharing life with another person. The question isn’t whether we will disagree, but how we will handle those disagreements.

When tensions rise, it can be tempting to focus on proving our point, defending ourselves, or making sure our partner understands just how wrong they are. But what if conflict offers us an opportunity to learn something important about the person we love?

In her work with couples, Dr. Orna Guralnik, the therapist featured in the Showtime TV series Couples Therapy, explores the complicated emotional worlds partners bring into their relationships. What looks like a disagreement about something small may reflect much deeper differences in our histories, values, expectations, and experiences.

One partner may see saving money as a source of security, while the other sees spending money on experiences as a way to enjoy life together. One may need time alone to process difficult emotions, while the other wants to talk things through immediately. Neither person is necessarily wrong. They may simply be approaching the same situation from very different places.

The goal of healthy conflict isn’t to make our partner see things our way. It’s to understand what matters to them, share what matters to us, and find ways to live together with those differences.

Consider a familiar disagreement: one partner feels frustrated because the other doesn’t help enough around the house.

On the surface, the issue is chores. But underneath, one partner may be feeling overwhelmed, unsupported, or taken for granted. The other may feel criticized, unappreciated for what they already do, or unsure how to meet expectations that seem to keep changing.

If the conversation stays focused on who is doing more, both partners may become defensive. But if they become curious about what the issue represents for each of them, a different conversation becomes possible.

Instead of asking, “Why won’t you help out more?” we might ask, “What does sharing the work mean to each of us? What helps each of us feel supported and valued?”

The same principle applies to many recurring conflicts. Often, the surface issue is only part of the story. Understanding what matters beneath it can help couples move from arguing about who is right to discovering what each person needs.

Blame is a natural response when we feel hurt, disappointed, or misunderstood. It allows us to focus on what the other person has done wrong rather than sit with our own vulnerability. But blame rarely invites understanding. When our partner feels attacked, their attention often shifts to defending themselves rather than hearing us.

Before bringing up a concern, try pausing to ask yourself: Why am I so upset about this? What am I feeling? What does this situation mean to me?

Perhaps a forgotten commitment brings up a fear that you cannot count on your partner. Perhaps a difference of opinion feels like rejection. Recognizing our own reactions helps us explain what is happening inside us instead of assuming we know what is happening inside the other person.

Then, instead of saying, “You never think about me,” we might say, “I felt hurt when our plans changed without talking about it. Keeping our commitments is one of the ways I feel cared for.” This kind of honesty makes room for a more meaningful conversation. It also gives our partner a chance to explain their experience.

When we fall in love, most of us focus on the things we have in common, the things that draw us together. Over time, however, our differences become more apparent. We may have different ways of managing stress, expressing affection, making decisions, handling money, or navigating family relationships.

It is easy to assume that if our partner truly loved us, they would naturally understand our preferences or respond to situations as we do. Yet our partners have their own histories, family experiences, personalities, and ways of making sense of the world.

Loving someone does not mean we will always understand them instinctively. It means we remain willing to learn. One of the gifts of a lasting relationship is the opportunity to discover a perspective different from our own. We can learn to tolerate the discomfort of disagreement without immediately trying to fix, correct, or change the other person.

This doesn’t mean accepting hurtful behavior or abandoning our own needs. It means recognizing that a difference is not automatically a problem to solve. Sometimes, it is something to understand, respect, and make room for.

Fair-fighting practices give us helpful tools for navigating difficult conversations. We can stay focused on one issue at a time, avoid personal attacks, use “I” statements, take turns listening, and pause when emotions become overwhelming. We can work toward compromise rather than treating conflict as a contest with a winner and a loser.

But these practices become even more powerful when paired with a deeper question: What is important to my partner about this?

Try asking questions such as:

• “Can you help me understand why this matters so much to you?”

• “What do you experience when I respond that way?”

• “What do you wish I understood about your perspective?”

• “What would help you feel more supported by me?”

Then listen without immediately explaining why your partner’s perspective is mistaken. You may discover that something you considered insignificant carries great meaning for them. You may also discover that your partner has misunderstood something important about you.

Understanding does not require agreement. You can acknowledge your partner’s feelings and experiences while still holding a different view. The goal is to make room for both people in the conversation.

Healthy conflict doesn’t mean every disagreement will be resolved easily. It means we keep returning to the relationship, willing to understand ourselves and one another more fully. The next time a disagreement arises, consider asking yourself two questions: What is this bringing up for me? And what might be important to my partner that I don't yet understand?

We cannot always eliminate our differences, nor should we. But we can learn to approach them with curiosity rather than blame, understanding rather than judgment, and a willingness to see the world through our partner’s eyes.

Perhaps the real measure of fighting fair isn’t how quickly we reach agreement, but whether we leave the conversation knowing one another a little better.

A question to reflect on together: What is one thing that is especially important to you that you wish I understood better? Take turns sharing, and listen with the goal of understanding—not responding, correcting, or fixing.