Healthy Boundaries Require Attention

By guest writer Rev. Dr. Michael Tino.

I serve on the Ministerial Fellowship Committee for the Unitarian Universalist Association. It is the body that credentials Unitarian Universalist ministers and holds us accountable to ethical standards. In May, we invited LeaderWise consultants to lead our Committee in a two-day course on boundaries. I am still reflecting on the things I learned (or re-learned) in this class.

One of the exercises was to think about the different areas of our lives and how fulfilled we are in those areas. Low levels of fulfillment, combined with high levels of stress, often lead even well-intentioned people to stray across boundaries, sometimes with harmful consequences. We did this exercise as a way to pay attention to the things in our lives that need attention, so that we can get our needs met in ways that are healthy and appropriate.

I was floored by my own self-reflection in this exercise. We were encouraged not to beat ourselves up, and were gentle with ourselves when feelings of inadequacy or shame arose. And still, I realized that I had better do better.

I came away with a renewed sense that I need to prioritize my health and well-being, that I need to find ways of making family life fulfilling (and not just a chore), and that I need to have more fun with my friends. Quite possibly, it would behoove me to make some friends who don’t live several hundred miles away.

The questions we answered were good ones for all of us to ponder, especially in a time where there is so much stress and uncertainty (our facilitators called it a VUCA time–volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous–a term that comes, a little uncomfortably, from the US Military’s system for assessing where it needs to pay attention to instability).

Boundaries are not just for religious professionals and faith leaders. All of us should be paying attention to how we get our needs met so that we don’t cause harm to others by getting our needs met in unhealthy ways. After the training, I wrote to the spiritual community that I serve, sharing my experience and pondering with them how we pay attention to our needs:

Beloveds, what are the things you do to meet your needs in healthy and appropriate ways? Where do you feel most fulfilled as a person? Where are you struggling to get your needs met? And how can your spiritual community help you meet your needs in healthy ways?

Today I write to fellow colleagues with the same ponderings. Even if you, like me, feel well-versed in boundaries, I wonder how an exercise like the one in LeaderWise’s boundaries workshop may reveal a renewed commitment to our well-being. For ourselves and for those we serve. 

Michael Tino (they/them) is a Unitarian Universalist minister who serves as the co-Lead Minister of the Church of the Larger Fellowship and as the the co-chair of the UUA’s Ministerial Fellowship Committee.