By emilie boggis with Cindy Halvorson.
Have you heard about the tension that occurred in San Francisco’s South End Rowing Club? For the 150-year-old swimming club members who braved the chilly waters of the SF Bay, the divide occurred over the use of wet suits between the purists (bathing suits) and the early adopters (wet-suit wearers). The fight remained friendly, a simple kerfuffle, until wearing a wet suit changed the purpose of the group overall and the belonging status.
Suddenly, there was a threat to us-ness. According to Priya Parker in The Art of Fighting, the group’s sense of “who they are and how they do things around here” was challenged, misaligned, uncertain. The anxiety started to rise.
In her book, Parker moves from the “Great Wet Suit Divide” into us-ness challenges in religious institutions and communities of faith. Take the issue of women’s ordination in the Episcopal Church in the 1970s. It raised the heat on the Church’s sense of us-ness: “What would it mean for a church to let women be direct conduits to the divine? Where does authority lie? What and who is holy? What kind of church is this?” These questions challenge us-ness.
Since the 1970s, LeaderWise has seen these us-ness conflicts pop up again and again. It creates enough pressure within the community that leaders have to deal with it. Often that’s when LeaderWise gets a call: Can you help us?
One tool that LeaderWise consultants use when presented with an us-ness conflict is a process called Bridgebuilder, which is a systems-based approach for a community in conflict. The Bridgebuilder process was developed over a period of seven years by Peter Steinke, a well-known consultant and family systems specialist. Through trial and error, Dr. Steinke created a process that helps move congregations from being entrenched in conflict toward health and forward movement.
emilie sat down with Cindy Halvorson, one of our Bridgebuilder consultants to hear her experiences.
emilie: Tell us a little about the calls you receive. What are some common us-ness conflicts?
Cindy: More often than not, there is a power dispute, typically over the questions: Who are we? and Who gets to make the decision about who we are? There is what I’ll call an “old guard,” a group of leaders who have historically made the decisions. They treasure their faith community. And they are recognizing the need to pass the baton onto new leaders. They no longer hold formal power through leadership roles, yet they are still carrying the informal power that they’ve built up over years of service and relationship-building. When the new leaders start to voice and/or make changes to the congregation’s sense of us-ness, it can feel threatening to the old guard’s sense of mattering and belonging. Their sacred home no longer feels like home. You’ll hear: We’ve never done it that way before. The question underneath is around us-ness. Who are we now?
emilie: What are some of the changes confronting our sense of us-ness?
Cindy: Goodness, what changes aren’t happening! One factor is change coming at folks at a rate that they can’t keep up with—though the tipping point is different for every community. It can be one change or multiple changes at one time that raise the heat.
It goes without saying that the pandemic created a need for unprecedented changes within faith communities. Many adapted quickly! However, we’ve heard a consistent story of conflict for congregations who underwent a change in pastoral leadership during Covid. New pastoral leaders were sought after to help the congregation grow and change, but due to the lock-down, they didn’t have the same opportunities to create a sense of us-ness with the community. The leader is often confused: They called me to help them change, but they block every change I try to make.
In one situation I know of, board members were discussing an issue, and a newer member kept expressing ideas and kept getting shut down. Finally, the new member said to the group: “I’ve been a member in this congregation for 6 years. How long do I have to be a member before people will consider my ideas?”
emilie: That sounds like an experience others might recognize. Priya Parker names issues of inclusion and justice for groups that shift a sense of us-ness. What’s the role of traumatic events in us-ness conflicts?
Cindy: Traumatized systems often show up in entrenched conflict. A board will ask us to deal with the conflict-at-hand. When we start listening to the community, we hear about traumatic events that have never been dealt with: a fire/a flood in their sacred space, clergy sexual misconduct, treasurers embezzling money, staff transitions with no explanation, a true hardship in their community, the list goes on. These days the existential crisis about the future of their family, faith, and country is a persistent anxiety that can culminate within a traumatized system. They’ve never dealt with the emotions of the event—loss, betrayal, grief—so conflict over other matters keeps popping up. If change is done well, however, it doesn’t have to result in trauma.
emilie: Tell me about the Bridgebuilder process. What shifts have you witnessed as a Bridgebuilder consultant?
Cindy: Bridgebuilder is a dynamic, multi-step process that uses a psychological/systems approach to deal with the real hurt in the system. To begin, we meet with the clergy and lay leaders to determine readiness, clarify expectations, help them understand their role in the system, and form a covenantal understanding of the next steps. Their leadership is key. Our next step is to complete 18-20 short, confidential 1:1 listening sessions of members, leaders, and staff. We ask key questions about the dynamics in the congregation. This is where I see the first pivotal shift. People experience real relief in telling their story and being heard. The anxiety can begin to dissipate because people start showing up in the system differently.
An altogether different shift happens at the educational event for the congregation (sometimes the staff and lay leaders). We focus on their history and/or the dynamics of family systems. There are real ahas and learning that gives them language for what they’ve been experiencing. In the last hour of the event, we facilitate an exercise called “Tell-It-to-the-Bridgebuilder.” Any person who wants to speak steps to the microphone and has two minutes to share their thoughts, addressing the facilitator and only the facilitator. There are strict rules for those two minutes. The community hears what one another have been holding. The dynamic shifts from “othering” to a common humanity. Overall, it is a powerful experience.
At the end of a recent Tell-It-to-the-Bridgebuilder, I watched a congregation where the two “sides” were literally sitting on separate sides of the room. At the end of the meeting, people got up and walked across the room to talk to individuals on the other “side.” This coming together was the outcome of having been able to listen to the other side. “You care about x; I care about y. And we both want what’s best for our community, even if we have different ways of going about it.” Communities can re-center around a new sense of us-ness which has clarified their mission and values.
emilie: Bridgebuilder ends with a report to the leadership. Tell me more about that.
Cindy: In some ways, the report of the observations and themes from the Bridgebuilder process that we’ve collected is both the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one because we include recommendations about how to move forward together. The Bridgebuilder process often helps communities shift their way of seeing and operating from a zero-sum (only one winner) to a both/and mindset—meaning we’ve now got new clarity and alignment around the values that guide our mission. It’s akin to Jesus and John the Baptist in the Christian Bible. The two do ministry differently. John is in the wilderness; Jesus is in the marketplace. John is otherworldly (think camelskin clothing and eating locust and honey); Jesus is hanging with the common people in common ways. Yet, both of their efforts are for God’s kingdom. They both support one another and appreciate the other in it. They have found a new us-ness!
Are you experiencing an Us-ness Challenge? At LeaderWise, we’ve got many tools to help with challenging moments: from assessments to mediation to Bridgebuilder. Contact LeaderWise. We’re happy to listen and to partner with you.
