When Relationships Go Awry: A Different Approach
By Linda Anderson, LeaderWise Guest Writer.
What do we do with the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and anger that occur in our relationships, whether intended or unintended?
The reality is that they occur in most relationships, whether familial, romantic, friendship-based, or work- or community-related. When we experience a bump in our relationships, it can be hard to resolve. Many of us have not received any particular modeling or training for naming or letting go of hurt feelings, let alone for coming to a place of peace.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Zen Buddhist Master, proposed a process for dealing with relational difficulties that can be utilized by people of all faiths, or no faith. It is called Beginning Anew and is meant to generate compassion and understanding leading to peace. It can be practiced alone or with the other person.
Beginning Anew begins with seeing the good traits in the other person and naming them. This redirects our minds and points away from the negative episode, reminding us of the positive in our relationship. In doing so, it also softens the heart toward the one who hurt us. In the second step we express our regret for whatever part we played in the misunderstanding, whether intentional or unintentional. This is not meant to plunge us into a state of guilt or self-blame, but rather is a recognition, a wide look at what happened. (Of course some damage is one-sided in which the one hurt did not play a role. Beginning Anew may not be suitable for such times.)
Once we have named the positive and looked at our own part, only then do we move to the third step: identifying what the interaction felt like to us and the hurt feelings we have.
These steps may feel a bit counter intuitive in that usually when we speak with the person who offended us we start with naming our grievances. We often carry some expectations of the other person, whether wanting the other to admit wrongdoing, or wishing for apology or acknowledgment, or simply wanting to feel heard. In Beginning Anew we bring no expectations of the other. We do not know how they will react and we give their reactions no real power over us.
The fourth step asks the other person to share. Even when the other is not able to describe their experience or feelings in a constructive way, we have gained greater understanding, and with that clarity our attitudes toward the person or the situation can change. Even if we only practice steps one and two with another person, we can become stronger and perhaps the other person can gain some insight into us. Even if we practice Beginning Anew with ourselves alone, we can know ourselves more deeply.
Beginning Anew asks us to look at ourselves and to help the other person see us. Hopefully we will see them more clearly as well. Hopefully all involved will shift from being caught in a story we’ve told ourselves towards a greater understanding of one another. With understanding comes compassion. With understanding and compassion, we can find a larger sense of peace with what happened. With peace, a relationship can be rebuilt.
Linda Anderson is a practicing Buddhist and retired Unitarian Universalist minister who works in Trauma Response Ministry.
