Lonely? Let's Talk
This article was previously published in February 2021.
I’ve taken to talking about it – a lot. Let me share about my loneliness and you can tell me about yours. At our LeaderWise workshops on clergy health and well-being, we try to be matter-of-fact and frank about loneliness. It’s a reality. In the United States, did you know that 63% of men and 58% of women feel lonely, or 61% of the general population? When we did our national survey of clergy a year ago, we discovered that our respondents fell right on average with the rest of the country – which means a lot of us in ministry are lonely.
In our workshops, which are relatively small and intimate to foster honest conversations, we have people spread out on a human continuum. We do this for a number of statements, including “I feel satisfied in ministry,” “I feel hopeful in ministry,” and “Ministry excites me,” stretching from “very true” on one end of the room, “sometimes” in the middle, and “not at all true” on the other end. After building trust in the group, we introduce statements that are a bit more risky and test participants’ emotional vulnerability, “Ministry can be boring,” “Sometimes I question my call to ministry,” and “I feel lonely in ministry.” When we first asked about loneliness, we weren’t sure what to expect. We knew the statistics from national studies – as well as our own – and researchers have legitimately described loneliness as “an epidemic.” In our workshops, we discovered that people were honest and poignantly so. At one workshop, as a sizable cluster gathered around “very true” for “I feel lonely in ministry,” individuals began to open up about their experiences. One participant talked about the struggles of living in a small town as a young single adult; another shared the loneliness of being a middle-aged woman in ministry who was recently divorced; and a third pastor, who served a large church in a medium-sized town and by all accounts was a popular and effective pastor, confessed, “I’m really, really lonely.”
People often struggle for words to express their experiences of loneliness. They feel it profoundly – know it’s there – but can’t quite articulate it. Part of the issue is that loneliness is a misunderstood emotion. From an early age, many of us are taught by parents, family members, and teachers to identify feelings of happiness and sadness – and perhaps other emotions – through pointing at or drawing faces on a sheet of paper, but how many of us are taught to identify, understand, or name loneliness with any frequency? We lack practice in recognizing the various shades of loneliness and talking out loud about it.
Loneliness often has a stigma attached to it, too. Studies indicate that the primary fuel of loneliness, once it appears, is our own sense of shame. We tend to believe that there’s something wrong with us if we’re lonely, and we ignore the fact that almost half the population also reports feeling sometimes or always “left out,” “alone,” or “like no one knows them well.” According to recent research, we blame ourselves for our loneliness – as if there’s something inherently wrong with us – and we tend to doubt that our social situation will ever improve. We view loneliness as a stable, immutable, and unending condition for ourselves extending out as far as we can see. The result? Our loneliness only intensifies and exacerbates our negative thinking, which contributes to further loneliness.
The good news is we can break this loneliness–negative thinking–loneliness cycle, and it begins by simply adopting a gentle attitude toward ourselves. What if you were to treat yourself with the same compassion that you’d provide a lonely friend? You’d likely listen with empathy and acceptance, and offer kind words of support. Similarly, the research in self-compassion encourages us to look upon ourselves – and our loneliness – in a similar way. Rather than turning to self-judgment, try self-kindness. Place a hand over your heart and whisper, “It’s okay, (your name). We all feel lonely sometimes.” Be curious about your loneliness. You might even inquire of it, “Loneliness, what would you like me to know?” If you can move beyond the stigma and desire to push loneliness away, you might find that it’s encouraging you to reach out to a friend or family member, take a walk in nature, or deepen your spiritual practice. All of these behaviors can serve to lessen our loneliness.
If you take these actions and still struggle with loneliness, though, please know that it is highly treatable. Research has demonstrated that meeting with a counselor for even a few sessions can help you learn skills and gain a new perspective to significantly improve your well-being. In this age of teletherapy, you can reach out today to schedule and connect with someone who can help.
